Last week I had a birthday.
When I was a child, birthdays used to be exciting (“Presents!”). As a twenty-something, birthdays swung between awesome (my husband is a GREAT gift-giver) and depressing (“I’ve accomplished *HOW* little in my life?”). See, I had expected to rule the world (or, um, at least dominate my profession) by thirty.
As you can tell, that didn’t happen. And I’m fine with it.
As a society, we are very impressed by the accomplishments of youth. Competition with our age-mates starts early. Even before we can walk or talk, our parents are comparing notes with other parents (“Johnny rolled over when he was six weeks old!” “Well, Suzie didn’t roll over till the longest time, but she crawled at four months”). I know, all of us parents think our babies are geniuses. I, at least, try not to rave too much about it.
It only gets worse from there on out. There is such pressure to be the best as possible, as young as possible. It’s not enough that we must read, but that we must read early (at 4, or 3, or even 2). It’s not enough that we play the Moonlight Sonata beautifully, but that we must be five rather than fifteen when we do so. It’s not enough that we go to college, but that we go at sixteen rather than eighteen. It’s not enough that we graduate in the top tier of our class, but that we must then sally forth and “change the world” or “be the leaders of tomorrow” (whatever THAT means). Society and the media fawns over the prodigy, to such a point that we feel that we have to accomplish our dreams young–or else we are failures.
It used to bother me, in my 20s, that my other age-mates were doing great things. Other 20-somethings got agents and publishing contracts, and here I was, with 30 marching inexorably closer, while my days were measured out in feedings and diaper changes.
And the I hit 30 (or it hit me :D) and you know what? The world didn’t turn all flat and grey. Life didn’t slam its doors shut on me. I still had plenty of health and opportunity and time left. What’s the rush? I don’t have to march lock-step with my age-mates, or one-up anyone. Life is not a zero-sum game, and there will still be plenty of chocolate cake at the finish line, whenever I get there. (There had better be, because hell hath no fury like a woman deprived of cake!)
What about you? Do you feel the pressure to be better than everyone else? How do you cope?
You know, I guess that’s true! Never thought about it much, but you are right. My family never pushed much when my sister and I were young. I never expected to do anything young except play and be happy. My mom said constantly: be a kid as long as possible. So there was never any pressure to excel at anything until college and beyond. But yeah, my 30’s came and went and now I’m heading into mid-40’s and I still don’t have a shelf full of novels in the bookstore with my name on them, and yeah, that bothers me occasionally. But not often anymore. I tend to go my own way, do my own thing, in my own time (probably why I’m still single). And I’ve realized that I’m much more about living a happy and fulfilling life with family than about being ambitious and successful in other arenas. I may not have written a single word of fiction in the last six months, but I have plenty of awesome memories of playing with my nephew. That’s a trade-off I can live with. 😀
That’s a trade-off I can live with. 😀
Agreed! My family (esp. my children & husband) are more important than writing.
Too much pressure to hurry up and get there. It’s part of our I-want-it-now, instant-gratification culture. I’m a strong believer in it’s about the destination, not the journey, but… The destination will only be the one you want if you take the time to do it right.
I love the way you put it: “The destination will only be the one you want if you take the time to do it right.” Better not to do in haste, and repent in leisure, eh?
I love the idea of ‘The destination will only be the one you want if you take the time to do it right’ — and it’s great to hear someone say it’s about the destination, not the journey because without a destination the journey could be very different.
There are paths I’ve been along in the last few years which would have benefitted me in my 30s – but perhaps I wouldn’t have appreciated them then.
Now is now, and now is all there is. I try to appreciate every single thing which comes along each day – the opening of flower, a rainbow, a smile from a stranger, something that turns out well — and I’d still like that row of novels with my name on them 🙂
You have a lovely attitude towards life, Prue. 🙂 And here’s to the row of novels with your name on them!
Thanks Rabia. 🙂
I can really relate to this, Rabia. I think when you place high expectations (or dreams) on yourself, it’s hard when you don’t meet them. When I turned 30, I set myself the goal of having a novel published by the time I was 40… when that didn’t happen, and several friends started to get contracts, I felt like a total failure. I found turning 40 really hard! But I read a blog post a month or so ago that talked of “running your own race”, which encouraged us to focus only on what we’re doing, rather than comparing ourselves with how other people are progressing. I find this really hard, but am trying!
Sometimes, for my own peace of mind, I have to stop going to any outlet where I’m getting news that feeds my envy. If it means forgoing Twitter or a forum or a certain blog… I’ll do it for as long as it takes to readjust to the important things in my life.
Thank you for such a thought provoking post.
I didn’t write a thing for years and years, because I come from one of those families you describe–where one’s fate is decreed by abilities displayed by age fifteen. As a reluctant underachiever, I needed encouragement I never got, and so self expression was limited to journal entries.
And, while I might regret all the writing joy I missed along the way, I’m here now, and I don’t question too much anymore why things ripen when they do. I believe everything has a time when it should happen. The only good part about being a late bloomer as I am, is that the pressure to achieve is gone, and encouragement from others isn’t as relevant to me. The passage of years has fortified my fragile ego. I write to please myself. 🙂
Enjoy where you are now, raising your family, young (from where I stand!), in love, taking in the world in all its glorious magnificence–and encourage your kids to become whatever their heart desires!
Happy belated birthday! 🙂
That’s great that your writing is untainted by the desire to please others. I find that age has brought me greater security and insulation from the opinions of others (it’s not perfect, since I’m a natural people-pleaser) but I have come a long way.
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
I completely agree with you about our society. I think holding up achievers of great things and prodigy’s is great – it gives us inspiration, but you’re absolutely right that our society does it to the exclusion of all else, creating a false idea that to not do great things is the same as to fail at life.
Well, guess what? Grandma Moses didn’t start painting until she was in her eighties. Emily Dickinson’s works were not published until after she died. And who says we need to be great, anyway? Do what you’re doing, and do it well, I say – work hard, and enjoy the life you have. If you get to be a famous (insert dream here), great. If not, well…it’s not the end of the world. Look at me – I’m almost 29, and would’ve also liked to be a published writer by now. Instead, I’m writing in my little free time while I work a more than full time job (military – it eats your life!) that I happen to be content with. I may never be published, and that’s ok. I’m pretty sure I’ll still have self-worth. Meanwhile, I’m still a writer, because despite not being published, guess what? I just can’t stop myself from writing. 🙂
My Dad used to tell me that most people don’t get to do jobs they love. I used to think that was just his pessimism speaking, but it’s not. It’s true, and it’s alright. You don’t have to have your dream job to be happy. And you don’t have to ‘change the world’ to make an impact.
(Sorry for the essay…)